Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
The irony of the gay pride flag is that it clashes with everything.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
The pasta is now
my retirement plan is braless
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.