When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
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I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
when revenge coincides with naptime
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it