If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
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[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
*seductively peels off lederhosen
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
listen closely
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
absolutely convinced that at least half the time when the optometrist flips the lens and says which is better, one or two, there’s no difference and they’re either trying to trick me or see if i can be trusted
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.