My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
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i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Astronaut: I never loved you
Me: how could you say that?
Astronaut: it’s the truth
Me: no I mean like, sound doesn’t travel in a vacuum
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
Dog: *turning in circles before she lays down*
Me: [extreme Ross voice] Pivot… Pi-VOT… PIVOT!
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.