[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
You Might Also Like
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
me: “i don’t appreciate being laughed at”
seaworld employee: “sir that’s just the noise dolphins make”
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .