Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
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always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving
ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner