Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
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Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
*sees group of firemen standing around a campfire*
me: hEY leave that little guy alone
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
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9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.