RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
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not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.