I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
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I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
scares
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping