My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
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Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Idea: Breathalyzer tests at the airport, to make sure you’re drunk enough
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.