My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
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Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
i actually laughed 😩
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I hate it when I try to impress a date by taking her to a nice restaurant and she orders something that isn’t on my coupon.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?