‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
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[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
me before I type out affect or effect
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.