I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
You Might Also Like
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Most fashion shows these days…
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
When you let grandma cat sit
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
🤣🤣🤣
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now