*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
You Might Also Like
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
*throws dash of glitter in with the credit card bill* payback, baby
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
*At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom*
Nurse: What’s the emergency ma’am?
Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”