If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
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toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it’s a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
EVERYONE! Single file into the ocean, please.
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either