[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
You Might Also Like
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
I think this lady I’m stalking just found out. She changed her wifi name to:
“Hey you in the tree. I’ve called the cops.”
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18