Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
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Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
I shaved my legs today and it was the fastest 3lbs I’ve ever lost in my life
barbecue implies the existence of a carolecue and possibly a debecue
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.
I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
HIM: I’m not crying, you’re crying
ME: we’re all crying, this is a funeral
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.