The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
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Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.
I finally found a reason to live again.
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you