Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
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After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
Oops
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
Muppet Screams
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants