Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
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[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT