Ok, but like, how married are you?
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[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
I never understood “spidey sense.” The last 400 spiders I threw a shoe at didn’t see it coming.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
If salons offered free wine with a wax, Twitter moms wouldn’t have any hair at all.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
Meow
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.