[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
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Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
plant them where lol
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.