Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
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This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Don’t talk down to me
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.