A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
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My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Sorry I faked my death during the middle of your boring story.
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse