nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
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*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Every time I steal lunch from the office fridge I can’t help but think, I wish my coworkers would pack larger lunches.
I hope people think my toddler has a slight English accent bc we’re so cultured and not bc she’s basically been raised by Peppa Pig
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
{job interview}
Dog Boss: what would you say your biggest weakness is?
Me: I don’t know, I guess I can get really petty
Dog Boss: *excited tail wagging*
Sometimes I’ll run into a friend’s husband and think to myself, “bro you have no idea how hard I’ve worked to help save your marriage.”
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.