Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
You Might Also Like
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
mumsnet is amazing
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
Something Saturday.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Friend of mine confused IUD with IED and I couldn’t stop laughing
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.