Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —

“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”

– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am

3 yr old: I love lemonade, I’m so excited, I’ve never tried it

-the mind of a toddler is a mysterious place

Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.

The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.

Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.

I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.

I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs

Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.

If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

become ungovernable

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

Me: *spits soup into bucket*

Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]

Febreeze works just like in the commercials, only instead of being impressed, mom comes home and says “it still smells like pot in here.”

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.

*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”

The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro