detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
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“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Pigeon open mic night.
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.