You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
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*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
[reading message i found in a bottle that drifted onto the beach]
to myself: “updog.. what’s updog?”
[another bottle hits my foot]
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
Buy a man a tee and he’ll golf for a day. Buy a manatee and you’ll have trouble housing your new pet
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
These aliens are taking forever.
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
If you want to rob a white person, just say: “Stop, collaborate, and listen,” then steal their stuff while they rap the rest of the song.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.