If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
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[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like
me *raises hand*
teacher: yes good example
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
Pikachu found the lost joint
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.