Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
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Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
i know what will make the other reindeer like rudolph more – a surprise promotion from the boss on the biggest night of the year
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!