Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
You Might Also Like
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?