My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
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if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die