All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
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thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal