my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
I hate when you meet a new person and you like them, I mean I’m maxed out with 3 friends right now and having a 4th just seems like it’ll eat into nap time
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD
CW: How was your weekend?
*finds nearest object*
“Hello?”CW: Are you talking to a stapler?
“I’m sorry, I have to take this.”