My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
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“How’s your day going?”
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Me rushing back from the bathroom at 3 am so I dont lose any tiredness
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
I’m not saying I’m the best husband, but I did perfectly time placing my dirty dish in the sink just as my wife was finishing up washing the dishes.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
still the best tweet of the year by far
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker