“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
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I learned 2 things today:
My cat is slightly smaller than an average duck
That won’t stop her from trying to fight an average duck
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
How many Apple users does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. When the bulb goes, they just replace the house.
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂