If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
My toddler taught himself how to pause and play shows on Netflix completely rendering me nonessential.
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.