I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
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Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.