Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
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website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
IT’S-A ME,
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!