My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
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OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
Don’t tell me what your cats’ names are, I’ll call’em what I want.
Oh, Mittens & Snuggles?
WRONG. THAT’S WILDSTYLE & THAT’S SNACKMOUTH.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
I don’t get invited to birthday parties anymore. I can’t stop yelling PICK A KEY every time they start singing that stupid song
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please