My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
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Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
[in space]
ASTRONAUT: Up here you can have delusions
ME: Haha I don’t think so
A: They can seem real
GANDALF: Don’t believe him
ME: I don’t
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Wife: oh honey, I didn’t marry for money, the guy I fell in love with had an easy smile, a sparkling laugh & big dreams. then I met you.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*