This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
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I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
this morning a coworker told me “why don’t u make like a tree & leaf” & all I could think of as a comeback was “yeah, well why don’t u make like a coffee & fridge” (we were in the break room), so do I just quit now or what
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
I need a chiropractor for my brain.