“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
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MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.
Pretty much. 🤣
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no