Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
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“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: omg is anyone a doctor?
ME: *stands up confidently and turns to flight attendant* you forgot my Diet Coke
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
911: what’s your emergency
me: my neighbors gone crazy, he’s screaming about superman and dragging his wife around by the hand.
911: what’s his location?
me: he’s 3 doors down
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind
Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?
Whitesnake: Not you
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.