*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
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Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
How do you even keep up with current trends if you don’t have a teenager in your life to ridicule your choices?
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
According to the amount of chocolate I’ve eaten this year in these Advent calendars there’s 127 days in December.
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.