Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
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Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
*Seductively hides in the woods
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.