Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
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Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
A girl drinks 4 cosmos over a span of 60 minutes. 25 mins later, she texts 3 of her besties. How many emojis will she use? Show your work.
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
“what that mouth do?” complain
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
I keep my enemies closer because you can only throw a rock so far.
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search