i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
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Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*
*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award
Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
they really do be looking like this
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
I bet birds love this building.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys