Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
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I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”